I am China. If not, #2 is Switzerland/Canada.

you try so hard to be hip to the groove, but sorry man, those pants are so passe!
you still think communism is a good idea, and you wonder why you're having such a hard time.
you INVENTED kanji and other things that americans find so cute and cool yo, but somehow japan got all the $$$ and you're just stuck with 1,210,004,956 starving people (as of '96), even after you killed millions of your own people. oops!