Why do I have a mind-block about Tolkien? Here's the story of my most traumatic experience, told through an epic poem. I think I'll submit it to Vibrato.

::clears throat::

Listen, my friends, and I'll tell you the tale
Of hobbits and health spas and one naked male.
Bright was the afternoon, happy the day
as Mom and I studied in sunny Santa Fe.

After days of work, our stress to assuage,
We went to a health spa to get a massage.
Our appointment times differed by half of an hour;
I planned to use the hot tub and then take a shower.

But relaxation? Ha! My plans, they were thwarted,
Tranquility smashed and my calmness aborted.
For after the massage, a soothing backrub,
I followed the signs to the Women's Hot Tub.

The tub, it was empty, so (self-conciousness away)
I entered the tub in the suit called "birthday".
For at this spa, that is their wont.
Unfortunately, for me, that would come back to haunt.

I sat there, relaxing, but soon I grew bored,
So I picked up "The Hobbit" and amusement was restored.

A few pages later, the trouble began.
Someone else joined the tub: to my horror, a man.
I was sure of that fact. Over the top of page 180
I'd seen something that did not belong to a lady.

No idea what to do, my mind, it was flailing.
If my clothes were closer, I'd surely be bailing.
In the tub I would stay, for I had protection there:
Refractive bubbling water and my very long hair.

Speechless, I wondered what steps I could take
To make this intruder realize his mistake.
After what seemed like years, I finally made my choice,
Said "You do know this is the women's tub..." in a hesitant voice.

"Is is?" he inquired, with a casual air.
At this reaction, I wanted to rip out my hair.
How blind could he be, to not see the signs?
There were three on the path with very clear designs.

I wanted to scream and kick, yell, and shout
When the man showed no indication of getting out.
Ten more minutes of agony passed.
I realized helplessly that I'd never last.

I made my decision, and with a heavy sigh
I sprang from the tub -- just Tolkien 'tween me and his eye.
I threw on my robe! And I've never forgotten
The relief that can come with 100% cotton.