The more I think about it, the more I worry about trying out for an a capella group. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and I know I’d have so much fun, but because it’s such a huge time commitment (especially if the homework load is anything like what it’s been this week), I think that this year I’d be better off only trying out for one extracurricular, and between theatre and a capella, there’s no comparison.

Or is there? I doubt if I’m going to get a large role in “The Most Happy Fella” as I am a lowly Freshman, whereas I’m on equal footing for a capella. And to be honest, a lot of the time in theatre, those with more prominent roles have more fun. I realize that I sound like a complete Prima Donna here, but it’s really worth thinking about. Gah, I’m having a great time in college, but sometimes I feel I’d do anything to be a big fish in a small pond again. When I think about how I’m probably never going to have another Aldonza-caliber role, it makes me want to cry. Okay, I’m talented, but there are dozens if not hundreds if not thousands of girls at this school more talented and more qualified than I. But you don’t even need that many, really. There area already some twenty or thirty people in the Penn Singers (the theatre group), and that’s all you need to kick me out of the chorus line.

But then should I just give up on theatre and audition for what I know in my heart I’d think of as second-best? Part of me says “Are you nuts? No way! I need theatre like I need oxygen!”, but the more cynical and unfortunately more down-to-earth voice tells me I’d have a better chance for success with a capella, seeing as how there are around a dozen groups to try out for, and there’s only two or three theatre groups that take women.

I’m trying to think about the audtions for How to Succeed, where I didn’t even want to try out because Taylor Cornell had informed me of how many girls were auditioning. I thought I didn’t stand a chance, but I ended up with quite a juicy role and had one of the best theatrical experiences of my life. It was during that show that I realized how much I needed theatre in my life. I was miserable my Freshman and Sophomore years because I had no theatre. My life felt stagnant and uninspiring. But then Mrs. Felice and Jesuit theatre entered my world and turned my life around. And what now? A girl cannot live on fandoms alone. Mrs. Felice and my Jesuit theatre friends tell me that they miss me, but they have no idea how much I miss them.

I don’t want to be a Freshman again. I don’t want to be one of a thousand identical, voiceless, faceless blobs. I don’t want to go to my stupid History of Art class now, I want my life back. God, I want to go home.