Ha! Does Rebecca dare doubt Lincoln’s omnipotent coolness? I believe she does! Time to lay the smackdown, once and for all!
Why Lincoln is cooler than Woodrow Wilson:
He has a cooler nickame, sparking an even cooler mantra for his followers: “Woodrow, Schmoodrow! Abey, baby!” I plan on making an LJ icon as soon as I get home.
He has a children’s playset named after him! Come on! Who never played with Lincoln Logs as a child? No one would dream of giving their beloved child Woodrow Logs. What a loser!
Unbeknownst to most, his middle name was actually “Spockmonkey”. Actually, this is a lie.
He’s on the penny and the $5 bill, two of the most frequently used pieces of currency. Unlike the stupid $100,000 bill, which is only used by Ferrari salesmen and Bill Gates.
His death has lots of freaky parallels with Kennedy’s.
His college nickname was “The Emancipator”, which is fairly awesome. Or rather, his college nickname would have been “The Emancipator” had he emancipated the slaves before college, which would have been a really cool feat.
His mother’s name was Nancy, which was “Rocky Raccoon”‘s former girlfriend’s name in the Beatles song.
His father’s name was Thomas, which is a frankly awesome name (see “Tom Riddle”), a fact which Woodrow Wilson was obviously too blind to see.
His mother died in Spencer County, Indiana. One of his co-High Priestesses (the other being Renata) is Priscilla Spencer. Coincidence? I think not!
One job he held in his youth was Postmaster. How cool is that word? Say it with feeling! POSTMASTER. Wow, I want to be the Postmaster!
He was Captain of his fellow militiamen at the breakout of the Blackhawk War, a rank held at times by Sam Vimes and Carrot Ironfoundersson, who are nifty.
Lincoln served four terms in the Illinois General Assembly for the Whig party, which is one of the coolest-named parties in existence, the only exception being the “Know Nothings”.
He lived for some time on Adams Street, which was named by Time-Travelling Hitchhiker fans.
He beat the heck out of Stephen Douglas in the debate circuit. His name is still attatched to the “Lincoln/Douglas” debates, listed first because he was cooler.
He became the 16th President on March 4th, which is the coolest date in the year because it’s an actual phrase. “March forth!” Yeah, can’t beat that.
He went on to serve nearly two terms. He would have served two, but being dead kind of put a stopper on things.
He was shot while in the Ford Theatre, another location named by time-travelling Hitchhiker fans.
There’s a song kinda about him in “Hair”.
There’s also a really bad musical about the Civil War called (wait for it…) “The Civil War”, written by the same guy that did “Jekyll and Hyde” and “The Scarlet Pimpernel”. I haven’t seen it, but I’m sure Lincoln is mentioned somewhere.
Tyler from “Fight Club” said he’d most like to get in a fight with Lincoln because Lincoln would be an awesome sparring partner. Woodrow Wilson is stupid.
As you can see, there’s no possible way that anyone could question Lincoln’s absolute supremacy over Woodrow Wilson. So there. Take that, Rebecca!
